Tonight...

Tonight
The basement has that sweet disquieting scent of rotting fruit
Like maybe there’s an apple or an apple core in some bag somewhere down there...
Or a spilled juice... or broken cider bottle...

Tonight
I told my fourteen year old that for every hour that she spends listening to Tyga or Curtis Roach or Doja Cat or whoever that she had to spend ten minutes listening to Wu Tang or Tribe, or Common...
She was like okay...
And I realized I sounded like my old man talking about Creedence and the Eagles...
And I realized some of the Wu Tang raps might not be great for my fourteen year old daughter because of how they talk about women...


Tonight
The middlest, the most avid reader, got shocked by her bedside light and it blew...
And the bulbs are good - but two lights in her room straight up just don’t work.
I took it apart once before and re-wired it to the best of my ability
So I’m praying we don’t have an electrical issue cause how you gonna deal with an electrician during a pandemic

Tonight
dinner came out of the freezer
And it was good enough

Tonight
We walked around the block
And took the long way

Tonight
The tiny cut on my thumb
From where I sliced it
Sharpening my pocket knife yesterday
Stings like crazy

Tonight
I am trying to keep the fanatics out of my mind
I am trying to keep the fundamentalists extremists out of my mind
I am trying to keep the imbecile at the helm
And his incompetent, ill-equipped team...
Out of my mind.
I am trying not to think about testing
And contact tracing
And what those things mean for our future
And our democracy
And our civil liberties.
I am trying not to think about the after
And if there will be one...
Because at this point i am pretty sure there’s not a back to normal...
But I’m sure there will be the next phase
And i am hoping that it means
Leaning into love
For more of us
And not leaning into the abyss...

Tonight
I am listening to the new Fiona Apple album.

If you please, anyone...

Welll...
So much for my commitment to daily writing.
Even the seeming end of the world can’t shake me from my slackery lack of discipline.
What have i been doing?
Got back on the treadmill
The body has changed a lot in the 5 years since i was running regularly...
But the treadmill feels good
The miles
The goals
The accomplishment

I have been making playlists
A dream themed playlist
An end of the world virus plague themed playlist
And a playlist of about 200 songs for my brothers 52nd birthday...
I may try to trim that one down to 52 songs
Or maybe not

I have been at work
Grateful for my job
Grateful to be in a position that can continue through this crises
Grateful to be working at a place that is making positive contributions to the efforts
Grateful to have a job i can feel proud of and to be part of a team i care about.

I have been with my family
Working to be present in each moment with them
To be there - looking them in the eye
And to acknowledge their struggles and successes in this time.
But that has been hard.
There have been times that i have realized i am closing myself off
I am used to a lot more time alone in this house
And so
I go away in my mind
Or my office for a time
To try and find that space...
And i am trying to be aware of that
And allow for it for the other members of the family too...

But also not to break off
Too much
Because
I need them
And they need me
And we need to be together.

I know it may sound trite or obvious
But i am so glad
That i like all of my family
As people
That i enjoy being around them
I think we are lucky
That we can make each other laugh
And think
And grow

I am being reminded
A lot
How much i have to learn
From my children
In these times


I think something that has been interesting about this time is how our mornings have changed.
Our family has adjusted our morning routine to fit more in line with our circadian rhythm than regular school day allows for. We spend the mornings lingering over our coffee, playing cards, or on electronics and begin our work/school days sometime between 8:30 and 9 (sometimes i am at work much earlier than that - but try to find time to be present in that 7:30-8:30 time frame). There is no rush for showers and lunches and struggle to get out the door by 7:45, and this is a significant change to my whole mental state waking up on the morning. I have to say that the removal of that particular pressure has been a tremendous relief in this otherwise stress filled time. I am not sure if there will be any way to maintain it if/when we get back to our regular school/workdays. But it is definitely something to take away and think about. How to maintain that sense of relaxed in the mornings. How to remove that intense out the door pressure we used to feel on school days. Obviously, some of it has come from the fact that as a group, it is rare that we are all sleeping well through the night, one or the other or multiples of us is up and down for dreams, headlines, worries or what have you... so that has induced a certain level of sleeping-in-ness... but its not just sleeping in... even on the mornings that i sleep well and wake up early... being released from that feeling of morning pressure seems to have made a huge difference in my general mental state when i first come in to consciousness in the morning. I want to maintain that. Hold on to it somehow.

Catching up

Well true to form
I have gotten behind
Missed some days
A few days i totally forgot.
A few days i just decided not to write
There are days where it feels like another thing
And i just push it away
Even though i know it will help me feel better
I do the same thing with yoga and exercise
It’s dumb.

But things have been moving along
like quicksand
Last weekend seems so far from today
The weeks all feel long
Right now
Time.
I am listening to Weyes Blood
I am watching Lodge 49 and High Maintenance still
I have gotten Jen to watch one episode of Community
I will keep working on her...
And we watched one episode of Breeders as well.

We are playing a lot of cards
We are going for walks
Around the block
And sometimes in the woods
We do some projects
I am still trying to find ways to
Help Jen daily with the kids
I am afraid I do the typical middle aged white man thing
And “let her take charge...”
She is a professional educator after all
But I can tell that this is all stretching her thin
And their default
When i am working
And she is home
Is to go to her
We are working on that
To try and even it out
Split things up
Retrain all of our habits

The week started with Zuzu coming in at dawn to tell us how beautiful the sunrise was and asking to borrow my phone so she could take pictures...
I was inspired and we made a plan with Lil’ Chaos to get up early one day this week to go watch the sunrise... we did on Thursday morning... it was mixed... it was beautiful and bracing and crisp in the morning air... and it broke up the week and felt like an adventure... but then there was some bickering and picking and then there was me stressing about time and trying to hurry folks along... and so we got crabby... but then... apologies... and we granted each other a second chance... and it was okay...

I mostly feel a strange combination of moody and numb
And lost in time
Out of time
But I am finding my gratitude
Looking for the silver linings of this time
In some ways grateful for how this has slowed us
And refocused us...
But still on edge
And exhausted by that part of it
And sleepless exhaustion...

Missed a day.. maybe two

I posted early on Tuesday
It was more a rant and less an update
And yesterday i just didn’t have one in me
I am moody
The swings are a trip to ride
I think I’d be doing better without this achey leg
I don’t know what the fuck is going on with my leg
And its concerning
Pain radiating from the groin down to the foot
Aleve seems to help
Hopefully the chiropractor will keep helping too
Its more pain than I’ve had to deal with in a long time
And i am annoyed
And feel like i am being annoying when i talk about it
And unsure of what to do about it...

But i am pretty sure I’d be moody without the pain in my leg
And the ups and downs are quite the ride
I am trying to be patient with myself
And my family too
Knowing that i am swinging in this way
Is helping me to recognize they are feeling it too

Tuesday Li’l Chaos’ bestie dropped off some money from her dad for girl scout cookies
Maya had to say hi...
They stood across the yard from each other and just laughed
And kicked rocks
And tried to connect
In person
From a distance
As much as possible
It was a bittersweet and beautiful
Visual poem



I am listening to Psychic Ills
It reminds me of Spacemen 3 and Spritualized
And Mazzy Star
It’s the right soundtrack for today
I am watching Lodge 49 and High Maintenance on my own
And Bless This Mess with my wife...

Last week i was moody too
And I figured it had to with sleeping patterns
I was not sleeping well
I was staying up late
Reading articles on line
And watching clip after clip of who knows what...
And then i would sleep in later than i should
so i set the goal for this week of being in bed with the light out by midnight and up out of bed by 7.
I have been pretty good about lights out
But I haven’t been great about getting out of bed
By 7
Closer to 7:30
So i can keep trying next week
And i didn’t quite make a blog post every day this week
I missed Wednesday
Like i said...

But we can keep trying, right?
That’s what we have to do.

Today the girls did some great creative play
When i asked them to build an obstacle course...
They made an amazing interactive
Board game
It was fantastic
Tomorrow i want them to put it on paper
We’ll see how that goes
They did a facebook video chat art lesson with their uncle Matt...
And its amazing to get to listen to their music practice every day and hear the little improvements and growth..
‘Zilla had such a good attitude about dishes that i let her off the hook about halfway through
Intending to come back and help her out later... i still haven’t got to it
The dishes are built up now
And its on me
And that’s okay

We’ll just have to keep trying

Tuesday morning rant

It occurs to me that what we are going to see
As this thing progresses
Is the laying bare of the essence of the two schools of thinking currently in our system
You have folks reaching out to each other in whatever way they can
To connect
And support
and commiserate
And you have folks grabbing everything they can
For themselves
You have folks working to to save lives and putting humanity first
And you have folks working to save the economy and putting money first
I understand that the economy is key
And that if it crashes the ramifications will be beyond what we have known
But i also believe that putting humanity first be the way that we save the most lives
And that sacrificing human lives and safety for the sake of the economy is exposing some ask the skeksis they are... If we are writing a stimulus bill that favors corporations and wealthy we are simply perpetuating the situation that got is here... we need a stimulus bill that changes the model... that supports healthcare and middle class... its that simple...

The new normal is not my favorite phrase

Don’t call it the new normal
I said
There’s nothing normal about it
You’re right she said
I don’t know what I’m saying
its okay none of us do

We don’t know how much things will change
Or what the changes will be
Or who we love that will be hurt
And to think
Some people who are alive right now
This is all they have ever known
And how will this impact our future
And the future of our children
And how they see and  move through the world...

I have had this pain in my leg for a couple weeks
Starting at my hip/thigh and radiating down into my knee and calf...
It’s gotten worse over the last couple of days
So that i can barely sit in a normal chair at all
Without wincing
When i walk
Or move
Or stand the pain lessons
It is an acute throb
A radiating aching kind of tightness
Tylenol and naproxen don’t seem to work
I have been dragging my feet thinking its not a good time to go to the doctor
I am never great about making doctors appointments
But if it weren’t for this pandemic
I probably would have called by now...

My genius wife being the genius that she is
Suggested the chiropractor
Thankfully the chiropractor in our village is still operating
She’s also a family friend
So... that’s nice
But its so strange to walk in to a usually warm, open friendly office
And be asked to stop at the door
For a temp
In a warm and friendly way...
It makes sense and i am grateful for the precaution to be honest...
But its a change
Necessary for these strange times...

The 14 year old,
Li’l Chaos,
Social butterfly,
Active soul,
The kid who needed a leash at 2 years old
Reached her limit tonight
She’s tired of being in this house
Tired of the space
Tired of laying awake at night

I didn’t have an answer for her
i feel the same way
I can rub your back
I said
It wont help
She said
We had a nice long hug
And i started to rub her back
As we stood in the doorway
And she started to melt
And I could see her eyelids getting heavy
Do you want me to rub your back?
Will you?
Yes...

I am glad we have each other.

Weekend blog

I didn’t post all weekend...
I truly forgot, until last night...
And last night I wasn’t in the mood.
I decided I’d blog this morning with my coffee.

I also decided last night to set the goal this week of asleep by midnight out of bed by 7.
This is pretty standard for me in normal times... in fact in normal times, on weekdays, if i am not out of bed before the alarm goes off at 6:45 the cats pretty much muscle me out by 7.

But last week this was a struggle...
In fact the last two weeks it’s been tricky - i think i have been reading too much news at bedtime...
Not sleeping well as a result
And then dragging in the morning...

Now that i am middle aged that doesn’t work good for my body or my mind...
So... this week
No headlines at bedtime and up and at ‘em on the morning.

This will require some compromise from the Mrs who likes to watch Maddow at bedtime
And likes also to have me next to her at that time.
I’ll either need to be elsewhere or she’ll have to save Maddow for the morning...

The weekend was mostly good.
Though i did lose it on ‘Zilla yesterday afternoon.
She’d had a pretty much free day and the two things i asked her to do; come on a walk with the family and do the dishes, were met with so much resistance that I kind went Taz on her...

But we had some good times too; zoom drinks with friends on Friday night, a beautiful walk at Lampson Falls, lots of cards, bike rides and I visited my mother (kept social distance out on the deck), and took her a latte and she fed me leftover St. Paddy’s Day corned beef (yum). It’s the first time I’d seen her in about 3 weeks and that’s weird.
We managed Girl Scout cookie drop offs and did some house cleaning/reorganization as well. So other than the distancing we had a pretty normal weekend... i mean as normal as we ever get.

Thursday

I am struggling to put down words.
It’s moment to moment.
But by this time each day i am so overwhelmed i start to lose the ability to process or think at all.

I had what today felt like a pretty full day of work.
But on a Thursday three weeks ago probably would not have felt quite so draining.

Time is doing its strange trick...
Waiting makes time go slower.
And that’s what’s happening right now.
Waiting on an epic global scale.

Poised. Waiting to feel the change.. to process.
It’s time.  And waiting. And change.

It’s looking for the helpers.
Looking toward those who are looking for the brightness in the corners of all this unknown darkness.
Looking for the people who are doing the work of life in the midst of this with some joy.

Realizing that we need to makes some shifts.
This week we have fallen in to some natural patterns.
When all. 5 of us are home... the kids tend to gravitate to Jen as our team lead.
And she gravitates naturally to that position...
And I, happy to be relieved of my typical afternoon kid navigation and refereeing,
Put on my headphones...
So... The next challenge is how to protect Jens time - and find some balance In leadership, in planning and execution/enforcement of our daily schedules. Some elements are becoming routine. Some things will likely be coming from the school...
But we’re gonna have to find ways to guard against that house full default of Jen has all the answers and enforces all the edicts... just so that she can stay sane, and get her work done

What day is it?

We are pressing on...
Things are feeling tight...
It’s not what you’d think about waiting in limbo...
Right?
No school, no plans, no activities... then play it loose... just hang and roll with it...
But the unknown...
What’s coming?
How bad is it going to be?
Are we ahead of the curve?
Are we over reacting?
Will the economy bounce back?
Will the kids recover academically?
What will it do?
To the election and the government...
To the supply lines and the schools...
To the people I know and love...

To my job?

But we are pressing on... the house is getting tight...
The muscles too...
But we are pressing on...

Today we had to split them up....
We had to call an audible halfway through the day.
We are learning - so now we know - we need some contingencies if they are losing it.
Insert solo time, or insert quiet reading time, or something... but now we know its an option...

We are finding the post meal transitions are the hardest...
After breakfast is not so bad... as its just the start of the schedule...
But after lunch and after dinner the kids seem to go kind of bonkers...
Today seemed particularly hard because we all ate lunch together - i think that’s the first time that’s happened since this all started...
We also ran into the challenge of both of us balancing co-parenting and working from home at the same time... that’s a lot of hats for Jen and i to be wearing at once... but we got through it... made our way... we are pressing on.

Today we also had the hard job of telling Scooter that she was not going to be able to hang with with her friends, really in any way... for a while... a friend wanted to go for a bike ride - they promised they’d keep they’re distance and so on... but it just feels like... well... when you give a mouse a cookie... its just going to keep it simpler and more clear for us all if its black and white... we are not hanging with friends right now... negotiations around details and giving a little and this or that becomes that much harder to negotiate and enforce... she did not take this well... I wouldn’t either... it sucks... its hard - and we tried to explain that we understood and its not an easy call to make - and its not just us being parents saying no... but it still feels that way to her... i get it... and she got through it... she’s pressing on... just like Squirt did yesterday when horseback riding was cancelled...

So we played catch and cards and they made art and did some projects and we’ll keep going day to day...

St. Patrick’s Day

Well today - day two - was a little bit harder... a little more tears and frustration... horseback riding was cancelled and the disappointment from that had ripples... but really that was a small speed bump in an otherwise pretty good day... all things considered... i talked to clients in Sweden, my brother in the U.K. And my mom down the road... i have been calling my mom to chat everyday since this started getting crazy...i called her mid-week last week to say that ... since I’d been in California i didn’t think it’d be a good idea for us to see each other... but its kind of hard... knowing she’s alone and isolated... she’s a pretty solitary person anyway - but at least gets out to do something in the community a few times a week... pulling that time away.. well it’s isolating... anyway some good chats and discussions... with my coworkers and colleagues too... how to keep a level head, what are  the best things to do... how to decide what to do with our kids... what to think of how it’s being handled, or not handled by our administration... all of these topics and more... i think its clear to all we are going to see things get worse... and that we are potentially on the cusp of a very new and different way of life... and that hopefully when we are through the worse of it - though things will be different... we’ll be okay...

I’ve read the wise words of friends and colleagues sharing a historical perspective, or a global one, reminding me to check my privilege as most folks in the world live with the ravages of disease daily... that this is only one of many dangers... that humanity has weathered many a ravaging like this throughout Time... its important to keep those perspectives in mind...

Still its hard to focus... challenging to convince myself that the sticky notes with tasks and todos are meaningful in this time... but they are. Some of the work i am doing is literally in service to labs that are researching and analyzing the virus and its potential cures... so yes... that excel sheet does need to be reviewed and corrected... that bug does need to be written up and submitted... Thankfully we can laugh a bit too... got to explain to my team lead on a call today that i was a couple of minutes late because i was cleaning leprechaun pee from the toilet

And yet... i seem to be more inclined to give weight and thought to the strange decision of whether or not it feels safe to let my kids go to their athletic activities or spend time with friends... I recognize that this being a new thought process for me is also a position of privilege... there are many in the world, for various reasons, that have to make that decision, hold that thought in their head without the thread of covid 19. we are playing these interaction and activity choices by ear and rolling day to day. We are trying to keep them occupied and entertained enough that they aren’t thinking too hard about missing their friends and their riding and skating and softball and all of it... but... they do... and so do i... i miss that stuff too...

The next day

Today was our first day of what promises to be at least 5 weeks of homeschool...

It went surprisingly well. The kids were relieved to have structure and leaned into it - and the house was cleaner today than its been any Monday afternoon in weeks..

I thought of something that i meant to talk about yesterday... Something that i have found so strange about the last couple of weeks with the stress and strain of this pandemic bearing down on us has been just how tired thinking about it makes me. Seems to be making all of us... i am sure that part of it is that i am staying up too late reading and thinking about it... new stories... projections... and then I have to stay up later to read or watch something to take my mind off of it... so the late bedtimes are a factor... but each morning just knowing that i have to get through another day of regular stuff when it all seems so insignificant in the face of this historical moment. Getting through the mundanity of expense reports and thinking about deadlines and due dates seems... well... less important even than usual... The kids did great.- they are working through it and we will too...

Don’t panic!

Covid19.
Schools closed for at least 5 weeks - until 4/20.
Our administration's ineptitude is being further exposed by this unprecedented state of emergency.
And yet many seem unable or unwilling to see that the mans pants are on fire... or they remain convinced that it is not damaging to put the nations fate in the hands of someone who is demonstratively unstable and incapable of his job.

But i didn’t come here to talk about him... and that mess.
I came to say that in this time of social distancing and struggling to make safe choices and understand the extent of our risks and challenges i am going to make the effort to write more and share more, to process... to put words and voice to virtual paper as some kind of call of community and hope...

I have been trying to approach this thing with reason and rationality, with wit and humor, with prudence and caution, with care and vigilance. I have been trying to keep the crazy in check... at my most paranoid i consider how quickly self social distancing and self quarantines could transition to a police state... at my most paranoid i think about what it would feel like to need to carry papers proving my health and reason for traveling the next time i need to travel... or leave the house... what it would feel like to have those papers checked... I can’t help but think that at the very least this episode will have a grave impact on our future, on the economy, on medicine, on law enforcement and governing, on supply chains and public art and entertainment. I think it will be some time before we can even begin to measure the ramifications economically, culturally, politically.

But I didn’t come here to talk about all of that worry, or those big ideas.
I came here to talk about our day to day. To share how we’re getting through each day. How we’re keeping in touch with loved ones and how we’re keeping sane as a family and what these days are looking like for us.

Late in the week last week we hit the stores for some “in case we get quarantined” supplies. I laughed at the empty toilet paper aisles and the folks stockpiling chef-boy-are-dee. But my laughter was tinged with doubts and questions. We’ve been back to the store a couple more times for toothpaste and other odds and ends.! Yesterday we let the kids know that school was shutting down and they took it hard - all processing in their different ways... Lil’chaos with some lashing out, frustration and disappointment, Zilla with raw emotion and worry, and Zuzu in her quiet and questioning way... We let them know that we are working on a plan to create some routine and structure in this time and that the plan will be in place to help us all remain safe and sane. We spent the rest of the day sorting Girl Scout cookies and flopping around the house - with a few trips out to get air and exercise. Today was a little more intentional. Today we walked along the river and hit the library before they shut down indefinitely. We are fully stocked for books if we go on lockdown!

Much as I am loath to admit it the end of a year usually gives me the blues. It’s true, I am prone to pensive thoughts anyhow, but the end of a year tends to put a point on the ways I have, yet again, let myself down. I hate to say it, but I am one of those who falls prey to that damaged kind of thinking that believes somehow this arbitrarily numbered day counting system will provide me with an opportunity to turn over a new leaf and i never do. At times, in the hopes of counteracting the end of year disappointment, my resolutions have been vague and hopeful; more writing, less swearing… more fitness, less anxiety, make more pies… At other times I have created very detailed lists following the tenets of SMART Goals or some other self help organization motivational concept... none of these strategies has been real effective. It’s been a long time since i have written as much as i would like to or been as fit as i would like to be. Like, since... never...

I think it’s s very interesting/sad/telling to go back and look through blog posts, and diaries before that, and time and time again i vow at the new year or at my birthday to write more and eat less junk and get more exercise.

It’s possible that this end of year malaise is tied to the fact that usually around the holidays I am pretty listless. Relaxed and enjoying the voracious trappings of the holiday celebrations. Indolence tends to make me grumpy… in general, but in particular in myself. Not out of some work ethic, some interest in keeping busy and accomplishing much, but because sitting around makes me stiff and headachey. I just physically feel better when i am moving around and working up a bit of a sweat. You would think that it would not be so hard to prioritize that in my life.

But...

I am not good at the discipline.

I am not good at committing myself to activities.

Here’s the thing though, it is becoming increasingly clear that exercise and writing are going to be a necessity in my mid-life, for my physical and mental health. And friends, I am not much for accountability in this regard - but i am thinking i commit to blogging weekly about, at the very least my diet and exercise, - but probably some other things will work their way in - parenting, music… etc…

But i think I am going to have to be raw and uncut and basic to do this… in the past i have made an effort to be pretty positive in my blogging because, well, there’s enough negativity out there in the interwebs… and i have tried to be somewhat polished as well… to keep the writing clean and clear…

But, if i am to commit to this in the way that i want to… there are going to be days/weeks where i just throw up some garbage..  here’s the goal - blog weekly at minimum.

Exercise at least 7 minutes a day and 40 minutes at least a couple times a week.

With the goal of - feeling good in my body mind and spirit.

Because right now my knees hurt, my shirts are too tight, my pants fall own and my feet scream... not to mention the indigestion and the moodiness... all of which i am certain can be treated by some time writing and some time exerting myself physically...

Today i walked for 20 minutes and did a 7 minute cardio workout and i am beat… i could barely get through the seven minutes… this is often why i give up on exercise. I don’t feel like i am where i should be, I want to be better, stronger, fitter than i am and i get impatient and frustrated with the challenge. I don’t want to feel incapable or underprepared. I don’t want to feel weak. Pride is a huge factor folks… and it sucks.