better

 this week i binged several episodes of Your Favorite Band Sucks

I watched Thor with 'Zilla

I enjoyed watching kids ride horses, and swim in races, and play vollyball

one kid had a very nervous stomach

about going somewhere new

for the first time

with new people

and performing under pressure...

I understood her nerves.

It was not hard to have empathy for that situation.

She not only survived, but thrived in that situation.

Excelled... beyond even her own expectations.

I continue to worry...

about my mental and physical health

and pretty much that of everyone around me...

I have not written much

in the last week...

But i did work a bit

on the Portals story...

A new take... a new approach...

and I worked a lot on music for She Kills Monsters

Took some of the tunes to rehearsal

To play while they fleshed out fight choreography

Work has been interesting

an appropriate reflection of the sort of 

gooey, floating feeling i have in general right now.

Making progress

finding my footing 

but feeling anxious

that i don't know more

that i don't do more

that i am not enough 

doing or knowing 

...

this seems to be a constant

in creative pursuits

areas i volunteer

as a father and husband

as a son

and doing whatever it is that i do professionally...

the constant internal monologue 

doubting that i am giving enough...

anyone else always assume

when a coach

or a director

or a boss 

is talking about a chain being as strong as the weakest link

they are talking about you...

always think you could do more

be better

work harder?

what is up with that?

and when did i get so glum?

I used to be captain positive on here.

I'll aim for that next week...

Trying

I have a goal...

I mean i have had a goal

Seems like i always have a goal

or some goals

I am trying

there are some things 

I want to do more

That i know i will feel better

if i do more

Writing this blog on a regular basis is one of them

(the other two are reading more and getting more exercise... i think these have been things i try and do more of since i was 11 years old...)

So i am trying

I am going to try

and post at least once a week

and hopefully more often

I am going to try

and be okay with just posting whatever...

The thoughts

that go through my head

notes about what i have been thinking about

what i have been googling

i know what Yoda said...

But i don't think i agree...

I think sometimes the best we can do is try...

Anyway...

this week i have been googling 

• Eugene Thacker
• Georges Bataille
• Pronoia
• Hypno Fangs (i think this would be a good band name)
• The song Dream Girl by Idina Menzel from the new Cinderella
• Meow Wolf

I have been listening to a lot of crunchy guitar metal and 90's industrial as i it will likely be the musical landscape for the show i am currently sound designing...

I have also been listening to a lot of Chemical Brothers

I have been reading Heir of Fire by Sarah J. Maas, and re-reading Memories Dreams and Reflections by Carl Jung..

I have been writing stories in my head... when i walk the dog... about portals to parallel dimensions...opened by art of the unconscious... and about prophets of the singularity... 

i have been on an emotional roller coaster; marriage, parenting, teenagers... pets... homeownership...

I have been trying to schedule a million meetings for work... and for volunteering... and even for my family....

I have watched my amazing athlete daughters play in volleyball games and swim meets... i have empathized with the youngest who missed two of her last three soccer games  and who's final game of the season we had to miss... i have gone on a few hikes in the woods... and searched for air pods... 

i have been playing with the dog

i stretched every morning

i worked out once this week - i will try to work out more next week...

i went to an artisan fair and bought an old fashioned shave kit...

made banana bread... and cinnamon roles...

marinated pork for three days then grilled it...

did a million dishes and a few loads of laundry...

perpetually tidied the house... 

and thats just a bit...

I guess we'll check in in about a week and see where things are at...

I may post random bits and pieces between now and then...

But next sunday I'll write some more...

have a good week.

perfect way

 i can not get the song perfect way out of my head

you know the one

by Scritti Politti

also

i keep having freakishly realistic

vivd, lucid,

cogent dreams in the morning

as i am waking up.

they feel like hypnogogic visitations.

and i can't shake the feeling that it is 

"the other side"

communicating with me

sending me some message

that there is a force there

an entity

in that reality

or in my mind

or on that plane of existence

trying to connect with me

to tell me something.

i wake up thinking about how 

and why

and is it astral projection?

yesterday i woke up and instantly googled astral projection and started reading about soul connections 

and entities reaching out to each other. 

and it all seems a little...

goofy...

but it doesn't feel goofy.

and it feels like 

the message is 

just be yourself,

just let it all out, 

keep going,

you're on the right path,

but you don't need to try so hard,

and you don't need to be anything other than what you are.

and its strange that 

i feel i need to hear that message so badly

at nearly fifty years old.

because

i feel like i have been trying to be me 

so hard

my whole life.

and it's not easy

and most of the time i feel like i am fucking things up 

like i am not good enough

like i should be doing something 

different 

to be better.

Now as a father

I see my kids

falling into this same 

pattern

is it a trap...

this habit

of making lists

of ways to improve

just living?

ways to be better 

at life?

and i realize the messages

we get all around us

from TV and Media

and mass marketing

and school 

and everywhere...

the message,

the habit forming doctrine...

the tweets and posts, and youtube videos are all sharing the message

one way or another 

to "be better"

at being you

improve yourself

smell better

look better

feel better

they all contribute to this inadequacy brainwave. 

even the messages 

telling you you're enough 

seem to have a tone of 

hey, let it go...

stop worrying, 

be better at not worrying.

i don't want my kids to have this habit

but i wonder if it is inescapable

and i wonder if its in our hearts

in our minds

built in human nature

or if its a cultural predilection

does everyone feel this way?

I have often gotten the compliment

"you're so comfortable in your own skin"

"you're good at just being yourself"

"you seem to be at ease with yourself"

and it's always felt strange

because i appreciate the compliment 

and i understand it. 

I do tend to put it all out there

and let the pieces fall.

but i don't feel at ease

very often.

and it seems like have always felt like 

who i am in my own skin

is in dire need of improvements

and that just being myself,

in one way or another, seems to be a failing proposition 

a lot of the time...

just being myself means 

balls will be dropped.

but i guess

those morning messages 

are telling me... 

well... 

they are telling me to write it all down!

they are telling me to keep trying

i guess they want me to laugh

and find gratitude.

the morning voices

want me to understand

maybe... 

that striving to improve 

is part of who i am 

and doesn't mean 

that i am not good enough...

and that wanting to be better

does not have to be tied to 

feelings of inadequacy

or disappointment...

that hope may not be 

the antidote 

to disillusion

but it is the perfect way

to keep

trying 

to 

fully 

be me.