Much as I am loath to admit it the end of a year usually gives me the blues. It’s true, I am prone to pensive thoughts anyhow, but the end of a year tends to put a point on the ways I have, yet again, let myself down. I hate to say it, but I am one of those who falls prey to that damaged kind of thinking that believes somehow this arbitrarily numbered day counting system will provide me with an opportunity to turn over a new leaf and i never do. At times, in the hopes of counteracting the end of year disappointment, my resolutions have been vague and hopeful; more writing, less swearing… more fitness, less anxiety, make more pies… At other times I have created very detailed lists following the tenets of SMART Goals or some other self help organization motivational concept... none of these strategies has been real effective. It’s been a long time since i have written as much as i would like to or been as fit as i would like to be. Like, since... never...

I think it’s s very interesting/sad/telling to go back and look through blog posts, and diaries before that, and time and time again i vow at the new year or at my birthday to write more and eat less junk and get more exercise.

It’s possible that this end of year malaise is tied to the fact that usually around the holidays I am pretty listless. Relaxed and enjoying the voracious trappings of the holiday celebrations. Indolence tends to make me grumpy… in general, but in particular in myself. Not out of some work ethic, some interest in keeping busy and accomplishing much, but because sitting around makes me stiff and headachey. I just physically feel better when i am moving around and working up a bit of a sweat. You would think that it would not be so hard to prioritize that in my life.

But...

I am not good at the discipline.

I am not good at committing myself to activities.

Here’s the thing though, it is becoming increasingly clear that exercise and writing are going to be a necessity in my mid-life, for my physical and mental health. And friends, I am not much for accountability in this regard - but i am thinking i commit to blogging weekly about, at the very least my diet and exercise, - but probably some other things will work their way in - parenting, music… etc…

But i think I am going to have to be raw and uncut and basic to do this… in the past i have made an effort to be pretty positive in my blogging because, well, there’s enough negativity out there in the interwebs… and i have tried to be somewhat polished as well… to keep the writing clean and clear…

But, if i am to commit to this in the way that i want to… there are going to be days/weeks where i just throw up some garbage..  here’s the goal - blog weekly at minimum.

Exercise at least 7 minutes a day and 40 minutes at least a couple times a week.

With the goal of - feeling good in my body mind and spirit.

Because right now my knees hurt, my shirts are too tight, my pants fall own and my feet scream... not to mention the indigestion and the moodiness... all of which i am certain can be treated by some time writing and some time exerting myself physically...

Today i walked for 20 minutes and did a 7 minute cardio workout and i am beat… i could barely get through the seven minutes… this is often why i give up on exercise. I don’t feel like i am where i should be, I want to be better, stronger, fitter than i am and i get impatient and frustrated with the challenge. I don’t want to feel incapable or underprepared. I don’t want to feel weak. Pride is a huge factor folks… and it sucks.