better

 this week i binged several episodes of Your Favorite Band Sucks

I watched Thor with 'Zilla

I enjoyed watching kids ride horses, and swim in races, and play vollyball

one kid had a very nervous stomach

about going somewhere new

for the first time

with new people

and performing under pressure...

I understood her nerves.

It was not hard to have empathy for that situation.

She not only survived, but thrived in that situation.

Excelled... beyond even her own expectations.

I continue to worry...

about my mental and physical health

and pretty much that of everyone around me...

I have not written much

in the last week...

But i did work a bit

on the Portals story...

A new take... a new approach...

and I worked a lot on music for She Kills Monsters

Took some of the tunes to rehearsal

To play while they fleshed out fight choreography

Work has been interesting

an appropriate reflection of the sort of 

gooey, floating feeling i have in general right now.

Making progress

finding my footing 

but feeling anxious

that i don't know more

that i don't do more

that i am not enough 

doing or knowing 

...

this seems to be a constant

in creative pursuits

areas i volunteer

as a father and husband

as a son

and doing whatever it is that i do professionally...

the constant internal monologue 

doubting that i am giving enough...

anyone else always assume

when a coach

or a director

or a boss 

is talking about a chain being as strong as the weakest link

they are talking about you...

always think you could do more

be better

work harder?

what is up with that?

and when did i get so glum?

I used to be captain positive on here.

I'll aim for that next week...

Trying

I have a goal...

I mean i have had a goal

Seems like i always have a goal

or some goals

I am trying

there are some things 

I want to do more

That i know i will feel better

if i do more

Writing this blog on a regular basis is one of them

(the other two are reading more and getting more exercise... i think these have been things i try and do more of since i was 11 years old...)

So i am trying

I am going to try

and post at least once a week

and hopefully more often

I am going to try

and be okay with just posting whatever...

The thoughts

that go through my head

notes about what i have been thinking about

what i have been googling

i know what Yoda said...

But i don't think i agree...

I think sometimes the best we can do is try...

Anyway...

this week i have been googling 

• Eugene Thacker
• Georges Bataille
• Pronoia
• Hypno Fangs (i think this would be a good band name)
• The song Dream Girl by Idina Menzel from the new Cinderella
• Meow Wolf

I have been listening to a lot of crunchy guitar metal and 90's industrial as i it will likely be the musical landscape for the show i am currently sound designing...

I have also been listening to a lot of Chemical Brothers

I have been reading Heir of Fire by Sarah J. Maas, and re-reading Memories Dreams and Reflections by Carl Jung..

I have been writing stories in my head... when i walk the dog... about portals to parallel dimensions...opened by art of the unconscious... and about prophets of the singularity... 

i have been on an emotional roller coaster; marriage, parenting, teenagers... pets... homeownership...

I have been trying to schedule a million meetings for work... and for volunteering... and even for my family....

I have watched my amazing athlete daughters play in volleyball games and swim meets... i have empathized with the youngest who missed two of her last three soccer games  and who's final game of the season we had to miss... i have gone on a few hikes in the woods... and searched for air pods... 

i have been playing with the dog

i stretched every morning

i worked out once this week - i will try to work out more next week...

i went to an artisan fair and bought an old fashioned shave kit...

made banana bread... and cinnamon roles...

marinated pork for three days then grilled it...

did a million dishes and a few loads of laundry...

perpetually tidied the house... 

and thats just a bit...

I guess we'll check in in about a week and see where things are at...

I may post random bits and pieces between now and then...

But next sunday I'll write some more...

have a good week.

perfect way

 i can not get the song perfect way out of my head

you know the one

by Scritti Politti

also

i keep having freakishly realistic

vivd, lucid,

cogent dreams in the morning

as i am waking up.

they feel like hypnogogic visitations.

and i can't shake the feeling that it is 

"the other side"

communicating with me

sending me some message

that there is a force there

an entity

in that reality

or in my mind

or on that plane of existence

trying to connect with me

to tell me something.

i wake up thinking about how 

and why

and is it astral projection?

yesterday i woke up and instantly googled astral projection and started reading about soul connections 

and entities reaching out to each other. 

and it all seems a little...

goofy...

but it doesn't feel goofy.

and it feels like 

the message is 

just be yourself,

just let it all out, 

keep going,

you're on the right path,

but you don't need to try so hard,

and you don't need to be anything other than what you are.

and its strange that 

i feel i need to hear that message so badly

at nearly fifty years old.

because

i feel like i have been trying to be me 

so hard

my whole life.

and it's not easy

and most of the time i feel like i am fucking things up 

like i am not good enough

like i should be doing something 

different 

to be better.

Now as a father

I see my kids

falling into this same 

pattern

is it a trap...

this habit

of making lists

of ways to improve

just living?

ways to be better 

at life?

and i realize the messages

we get all around us

from TV and Media

and mass marketing

and school 

and everywhere...

the message,

the habit forming doctrine...

the tweets and posts, and youtube videos are all sharing the message

one way or another 

to "be better"

at being you

improve yourself

smell better

look better

feel better

they all contribute to this inadequacy brainwave. 

even the messages 

telling you you're enough 

seem to have a tone of 

hey, let it go...

stop worrying, 

be better at not worrying.

i don't want my kids to have this habit

but i wonder if it is inescapable

and i wonder if its in our hearts

in our minds

built in human nature

or if its a cultural predilection

does everyone feel this way?

I have often gotten the compliment

"you're so comfortable in your own skin"

"you're good at just being yourself"

"you seem to be at ease with yourself"

and it's always felt strange

because i appreciate the compliment 

and i understand it. 

I do tend to put it all out there

and let the pieces fall.

but i don't feel at ease

very often.

and it seems like have always felt like 

who i am in my own skin

is in dire need of improvements

and that just being myself,

in one way or another, seems to be a failing proposition 

a lot of the time...

just being myself means 

balls will be dropped.

but i guess

those morning messages 

are telling me... 

well... 

they are telling me to write it all down!

they are telling me to keep trying

i guess they want me to laugh

and find gratitude.

the morning voices

want me to understand

maybe... 

that striving to improve 

is part of who i am 

and doesn't mean 

that i am not good enough...

and that wanting to be better

does not have to be tied to 

feelings of inadequacy

or disappointment...

that hope may not be 

the antidote 

to disillusion

but it is the perfect way

to keep

trying 

to 

fully 

be me.

Tonight...

Tonight
The basement has that sweet disquieting scent of rotting fruit
Like maybe there’s an apple or an apple core in some bag somewhere down there...
Or a spilled juice... or broken cider bottle...

Tonight
I told my fourteen year old that for every hour that she spends listening to Tyga or Curtis Roach or Doja Cat or whoever that she had to spend ten minutes listening to Wu Tang or Tribe, or Common...
She was like okay...
And I realized I sounded like my old man talking about Creedence and the Eagles...
And I realized some of the Wu Tang raps might not be great for my fourteen year old daughter because of how they talk about women...


Tonight
The middlest, the most avid reader, got shocked by her bedside light and it blew...
And the bulbs are good - but two lights in her room straight up just don’t work.
I took it apart once before and re-wired it to the best of my ability
So I’m praying we don’t have an electrical issue cause how you gonna deal with an electrician during a pandemic

Tonight
dinner came out of the freezer
And it was good enough

Tonight
We walked around the block
And took the long way

Tonight
The tiny cut on my thumb
From where I sliced it
Sharpening my pocket knife yesterday
Stings like crazy

Tonight
I am trying to keep the fanatics out of my mind
I am trying to keep the fundamentalists extremists out of my mind
I am trying to keep the imbecile at the helm
And his incompetent, ill-equipped team...
Out of my mind.
I am trying not to think about testing
And contact tracing
And what those things mean for our future
And our democracy
And our civil liberties.
I am trying not to think about the after
And if there will be one...
Because at this point i am pretty sure there’s not a back to normal...
But I’m sure there will be the next phase
And i am hoping that it means
Leaning into love
For more of us
And not leaning into the abyss...

Tonight
I am listening to the new Fiona Apple album.

If you please, anyone...

Welll...
So much for my commitment to daily writing.
Even the seeming end of the world can’t shake me from my slackery lack of discipline.
What have i been doing?
Got back on the treadmill
The body has changed a lot in the 5 years since i was running regularly...
But the treadmill feels good
The miles
The goals
The accomplishment

I have been making playlists
A dream themed playlist
An end of the world virus plague themed playlist
And a playlist of about 200 songs for my brothers 52nd birthday...
I may try to trim that one down to 52 songs
Or maybe not

I have been at work
Grateful for my job
Grateful to be in a position that can continue through this crises
Grateful to be working at a place that is making positive contributions to the efforts
Grateful to have a job i can feel proud of and to be part of a team i care about.

I have been with my family
Working to be present in each moment with them
To be there - looking them in the eye
And to acknowledge their struggles and successes in this time.
But that has been hard.
There have been times that i have realized i am closing myself off
I am used to a lot more time alone in this house
And so
I go away in my mind
Or my office for a time
To try and find that space...
And i am trying to be aware of that
And allow for it for the other members of the family too...

But also not to break off
Too much
Because
I need them
And they need me
And we need to be together.

I know it may sound trite or obvious
But i am so glad
That i like all of my family
As people
That i enjoy being around them
I think we are lucky
That we can make each other laugh
And think
And grow

I am being reminded
A lot
How much i have to learn
From my children
In these times


I think something that has been interesting about this time is how our mornings have changed.
Our family has adjusted our morning routine to fit more in line with our circadian rhythm than regular school day allows for. We spend the mornings lingering over our coffee, playing cards, or on electronics and begin our work/school days sometime between 8:30 and 9 (sometimes i am at work much earlier than that - but try to find time to be present in that 7:30-8:30 time frame). There is no rush for showers and lunches and struggle to get out the door by 7:45, and this is a significant change to my whole mental state waking up on the morning. I have to say that the removal of that particular pressure has been a tremendous relief in this otherwise stress filled time. I am not sure if there will be any way to maintain it if/when we get back to our regular school/workdays. But it is definitely something to take away and think about. How to maintain that sense of relaxed in the mornings. How to remove that intense out the door pressure we used to feel on school days. Obviously, some of it has come from the fact that as a group, it is rare that we are all sleeping well through the night, one or the other or multiples of us is up and down for dreams, headlines, worries or what have you... so that has induced a certain level of sleeping-in-ness... but its not just sleeping in... even on the mornings that i sleep well and wake up early... being released from that feeling of morning pressure seems to have made a huge difference in my general mental state when i first come in to consciousness in the morning. I want to maintain that. Hold on to it somehow.

Catching up

Well true to form
I have gotten behind
Missed some days
A few days i totally forgot.
A few days i just decided not to write
There are days where it feels like another thing
And i just push it away
Even though i know it will help me feel better
I do the same thing with yoga and exercise
It’s dumb.

But things have been moving along
like quicksand
Last weekend seems so far from today
The weeks all feel long
Right now
Time.
I am listening to Weyes Blood
I am watching Lodge 49 and High Maintenance still
I have gotten Jen to watch one episode of Community
I will keep working on her...
And we watched one episode of Breeders as well.

We are playing a lot of cards
We are going for walks
Around the block
And sometimes in the woods
We do some projects
I am still trying to find ways to
Help Jen daily with the kids
I am afraid I do the typical middle aged white man thing
And “let her take charge...”
She is a professional educator after all
But I can tell that this is all stretching her thin
And their default
When i am working
And she is home
Is to go to her
We are working on that
To try and even it out
Split things up
Retrain all of our habits

The week started with Zuzu coming in at dawn to tell us how beautiful the sunrise was and asking to borrow my phone so she could take pictures...
I was inspired and we made a plan with Lil’ Chaos to get up early one day this week to go watch the sunrise... we did on Thursday morning... it was mixed... it was beautiful and bracing and crisp in the morning air... and it broke up the week and felt like an adventure... but then there was some bickering and picking and then there was me stressing about time and trying to hurry folks along... and so we got crabby... but then... apologies... and we granted each other a second chance... and it was okay...

I mostly feel a strange combination of moody and numb
And lost in time
Out of time
But I am finding my gratitude
Looking for the silver linings of this time
In some ways grateful for how this has slowed us
And refocused us...
But still on edge
And exhausted by that part of it
And sleepless exhaustion...

Missed a day.. maybe two

I posted early on Tuesday
It was more a rant and less an update
And yesterday i just didn’t have one in me
I am moody
The swings are a trip to ride
I think I’d be doing better without this achey leg
I don’t know what the fuck is going on with my leg
And its concerning
Pain radiating from the groin down to the foot
Aleve seems to help
Hopefully the chiropractor will keep helping too
Its more pain than I’ve had to deal with in a long time
And i am annoyed
And feel like i am being annoying when i talk about it
And unsure of what to do about it...

But i am pretty sure I’d be moody without the pain in my leg
And the ups and downs are quite the ride
I am trying to be patient with myself
And my family too
Knowing that i am swinging in this way
Is helping me to recognize they are feeling it too

Tuesday Li’l Chaos’ bestie dropped off some money from her dad for girl scout cookies
Maya had to say hi...
They stood across the yard from each other and just laughed
And kicked rocks
And tried to connect
In person
From a distance
As much as possible
It was a bittersweet and beautiful
Visual poem



I am listening to Psychic Ills
It reminds me of Spacemen 3 and Spritualized
And Mazzy Star
It’s the right soundtrack for today
I am watching Lodge 49 and High Maintenance on my own
And Bless This Mess with my wife...

Last week i was moody too
And I figured it had to with sleeping patterns
I was not sleeping well
I was staying up late
Reading articles on line
And watching clip after clip of who knows what...
And then i would sleep in later than i should
so i set the goal for this week of being in bed with the light out by midnight and up out of bed by 7.
I have been pretty good about lights out
But I haven’t been great about getting out of bed
By 7
Closer to 7:30
So i can keep trying next week
And i didn’t quite make a blog post every day this week
I missed Wednesday
Like i said...

But we can keep trying, right?
That’s what we have to do.

Today the girls did some great creative play
When i asked them to build an obstacle course...
They made an amazing interactive
Board game
It was fantastic
Tomorrow i want them to put it on paper
We’ll see how that goes
They did a facebook video chat art lesson with their uncle Matt...
And its amazing to get to listen to their music practice every day and hear the little improvements and growth..
‘Zilla had such a good attitude about dishes that i let her off the hook about halfway through
Intending to come back and help her out later... i still haven’t got to it
The dishes are built up now
And its on me
And that’s okay

We’ll just have to keep trying