Breakdown: 59 days.

Well friends, it finally came…

Been building for two days…

The breakdown…

7:35 am in the kitchen in the middle of the getting out the door for school chaos…

I lost it.

Tears.

The kids

Were in shock

Sort of

Honestly, I think they’d seen it coming too.

Catharsis.

The thing is, life is hard.

And yes it’s harder when your partner has been gone for 60 days

And you have ten more days before you get to see her again.

But life would be hard if she was here too…

It’s just hard.

Life-ing.

It’s messy.

The mess in the basement

The mess in the yard

The mess all over the living room and family room…

The mess at work.

Lets not even talk about the kitchen or the dining room or the bathrooms or the White House.

Life’s filled with stuff to do.

And damn, I know that’s a blessing, and there’s so much to be grateful for.

And I can even tell myself to be grateful for this time apart – absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that.  And I certainly am grateful for the opportunities Jen has been able to pursue during her sabbatical, and all the ways these opportunities have nourished her.

But still, the Weight. Of. Life.

The weight of waking up each morning to do it all again.

So today I broke.

And it was good, and cathartic.

And my kids came to me and held me.

And I was open and honest to them.

I said I missed their mom, and I didn’t want to do it anymore.

And they were amazing.

They laughed at me, and cried with me and told me it would be okay.

And it will.

People have been doing this for thousands of years.

Waking up each day, to deal with all the weight in their hearts.

The weight of all the messes.

And now that kitten is racing through the house a black furry streak.

And I am drinking delicious coffee from a comfortable, comforting mug.

Getting my head right

For another day.

what's the opposite of fundamentalism? or what i learned from the shitty rake...

Back in October,

Maybe late September…

The presidential race was at an apex.

And I was thinking about fundamentalism

And stuff,

While raking leaves.

I was thinking how the work of fundamentalists

is to fight against reason.

To take

It away.

How they force those of us who aim toward reason

And moderation.

Into a corner.

We, if we don’t share their views,

Become fundamentalists

In their eyes.

And how,

 if we dig in against them.

They win…

They take

Our reason away from us.

And how does a reasonable, moderate

Who only wants to make space in the world for all of us

For all the people…

Who wants to celebrate our differences…

As well as what we have in common…

How does that person come to terms with

Someone who says

All we are is hate

Who says all we are is fear

Who says we will never be able to understand each other

Because we are too different?

There is no antonym for fundamentalism… that I can think of.

But I think found, for me a good counter...

a synonym, actually of fundamentalism – 

Essentialism...

My thought, at the time, 

Was that something about the word essentialism brings to mind commonness…
Our underlying essence...

What we share, to me, seems like a good place to start.

Li’l Chaos offered to help me rake…

I was glad for the help,

And proud of her choice.

She asked if she could use the good rake…

The rake I was using.

She asked so nicely, I was compelled to say yes.

Then I started thinking about taking and giving,

The difference between takers and givers.

And that there needs to be space for both in the world.

And how we shift roles...

Sometimes we’re givers,

Sometimes we’re takers.

Really what I was thinking was…

Sometimes you give up the good rake,

And you take the shitty rake,

Because that’s the best way to get the job done…

And because that’s what it takes to work together…

And because we all learn some things from that…

Li’l Chaos is reminded that asking nicely sometimes actually works.

I am reminded that making sacrifices can be a source of joy and grace.

And there are some jobs the shitty rake is perfectly suited for.