Catching up

Well true to form
I have gotten behind
Missed some days
A few days i totally forgot.
A few days i just decided not to write
There are days where it feels like another thing
And i just push it away
Even though i know it will help me feel better
I do the same thing with yoga and exercise
It’s dumb.

But things have been moving along
like quicksand
Last weekend seems so far from today
The weeks all feel long
Right now
Time.
I am listening to Weyes Blood
I am watching Lodge 49 and High Maintenance still
I have gotten Jen to watch one episode of Community
I will keep working on her...
And we watched one episode of Breeders as well.

We are playing a lot of cards
We are going for walks
Around the block
And sometimes in the woods
We do some projects
I am still trying to find ways to
Help Jen daily with the kids
I am afraid I do the typical middle aged white man thing
And “let her take charge...”
She is a professional educator after all
But I can tell that this is all stretching her thin
And their default
When i am working
And she is home
Is to go to her
We are working on that
To try and even it out
Split things up
Retrain all of our habits

The week started with Zuzu coming in at dawn to tell us how beautiful the sunrise was and asking to borrow my phone so she could take pictures...
I was inspired and we made a plan with Lil’ Chaos to get up early one day this week to go watch the sunrise... we did on Thursday morning... it was mixed... it was beautiful and bracing and crisp in the morning air... and it broke up the week and felt like an adventure... but then there was some bickering and picking and then there was me stressing about time and trying to hurry folks along... and so we got crabby... but then... apologies... and we granted each other a second chance... and it was okay...

I mostly feel a strange combination of moody and numb
And lost in time
Out of time
But I am finding my gratitude
Looking for the silver linings of this time
In some ways grateful for how this has slowed us
And refocused us...
But still on edge
And exhausted by that part of it
And sleepless exhaustion...