What day is it?

We are pressing on...
Things are feeling tight...
It’s not what you’d think about waiting in limbo...
Right?
No school, no plans, no activities... then play it loose... just hang and roll with it...
But the unknown...
What’s coming?
How bad is it going to be?
Are we ahead of the curve?
Are we over reacting?
Will the economy bounce back?
Will the kids recover academically?
What will it do?
To the election and the government...
To the supply lines and the schools...
To the people I know and love...

To my job?

But we are pressing on... the house is getting tight...
The muscles too...
But we are pressing on...

Today we had to split them up....
We had to call an audible halfway through the day.
We are learning - so now we know - we need some contingencies if they are losing it.
Insert solo time, or insert quiet reading time, or something... but now we know its an option...

We are finding the post meal transitions are the hardest...
After breakfast is not so bad... as its just the start of the schedule...
But after lunch and after dinner the kids seem to go kind of bonkers...
Today seemed particularly hard because we all ate lunch together - i think that’s the first time that’s happened since this all started...
We also ran into the challenge of both of us balancing co-parenting and working from home at the same time... that’s a lot of hats for Jen and i to be wearing at once... but we got through it... made our way... we are pressing on.

Today we also had the hard job of telling Scooter that she was not going to be able to hang with with her friends, really in any way... for a while... a friend wanted to go for a bike ride - they promised they’d keep they’re distance and so on... but it just feels like... well... when you give a mouse a cookie... its just going to keep it simpler and more clear for us all if its black and white... we are not hanging with friends right now... negotiations around details and giving a little and this or that becomes that much harder to negotiate and enforce... she did not take this well... I wouldn’t either... it sucks... its hard - and we tried to explain that we understood and its not an easy call to make - and its not just us being parents saying no... but it still feels that way to her... i get it... and she got through it... she’s pressing on... just like Squirt did yesterday when horseback riding was cancelled...

So we played catch and cards and they made art and did some projects and we’ll keep going day to day...

St. Patrick’s Day

Well today - day two - was a little bit harder... a little more tears and frustration... horseback riding was cancelled and the disappointment from that had ripples... but really that was a small speed bump in an otherwise pretty good day... all things considered... i talked to clients in Sweden, my brother in the U.K. And my mom down the road... i have been calling my mom to chat everyday since this started getting crazy...i called her mid-week last week to say that ... since I’d been in California i didn’t think it’d be a good idea for us to see each other... but its kind of hard... knowing she’s alone and isolated... she’s a pretty solitary person anyway - but at least gets out to do something in the community a few times a week... pulling that time away.. well it’s isolating... anyway some good chats and discussions... with my coworkers and colleagues too... how to keep a level head, what are  the best things to do... how to decide what to do with our kids... what to think of how it’s being handled, or not handled by our administration... all of these topics and more... i think its clear to all we are going to see things get worse... and that we are potentially on the cusp of a very new and different way of life... and that hopefully when we are through the worse of it - though things will be different... we’ll be okay...

I’ve read the wise words of friends and colleagues sharing a historical perspective, or a global one, reminding me to check my privilege as most folks in the world live with the ravages of disease daily... that this is only one of many dangers... that humanity has weathered many a ravaging like this throughout Time... its important to keep those perspectives in mind...

Still its hard to focus... challenging to convince myself that the sticky notes with tasks and todos are meaningful in this time... but they are. Some of the work i am doing is literally in service to labs that are researching and analyzing the virus and its potential cures... so yes... that excel sheet does need to be reviewed and corrected... that bug does need to be written up and submitted... Thankfully we can laugh a bit too... got to explain to my team lead on a call today that i was a couple of minutes late because i was cleaning leprechaun pee from the toilet

And yet... i seem to be more inclined to give weight and thought to the strange decision of whether or not it feels safe to let my kids go to their athletic activities or spend time with friends... I recognize that this being a new thought process for me is also a position of privilege... there are many in the world, for various reasons, that have to make that decision, hold that thought in their head without the thread of covid 19. we are playing these interaction and activity choices by ear and rolling day to day. We are trying to keep them occupied and entertained enough that they aren’t thinking too hard about missing their friends and their riding and skating and softball and all of it... but... they do... and so do i... i miss that stuff too...

The next day

Today was our first day of what promises to be at least 5 weeks of homeschool...

It went surprisingly well. The kids were relieved to have structure and leaned into it - and the house was cleaner today than its been any Monday afternoon in weeks..

I thought of something that i meant to talk about yesterday... Something that i have found so strange about the last couple of weeks with the stress and strain of this pandemic bearing down on us has been just how tired thinking about it makes me. Seems to be making all of us... i am sure that part of it is that i am staying up too late reading and thinking about it... new stories... projections... and then I have to stay up later to read or watch something to take my mind off of it... so the late bedtimes are a factor... but each morning just knowing that i have to get through another day of regular stuff when it all seems so insignificant in the face of this historical moment. Getting through the mundanity of expense reports and thinking about deadlines and due dates seems... well... less important even than usual... The kids did great.- they are working through it and we will too...

Don’t panic!

Covid19.
Schools closed for at least 5 weeks - until 4/20.
Our administration's ineptitude is being further exposed by this unprecedented state of emergency.
And yet many seem unable or unwilling to see that the mans pants are on fire... or they remain convinced that it is not damaging to put the nations fate in the hands of someone who is demonstratively unstable and incapable of his job.

But i didn’t come here to talk about him... and that mess.
I came to say that in this time of social distancing and struggling to make safe choices and understand the extent of our risks and challenges i am going to make the effort to write more and share more, to process... to put words and voice to virtual paper as some kind of call of community and hope...

I have been trying to approach this thing with reason and rationality, with wit and humor, with prudence and caution, with care and vigilance. I have been trying to keep the crazy in check... at my most paranoid i consider how quickly self social distancing and self quarantines could transition to a police state... at my most paranoid i think about what it would feel like to need to carry papers proving my health and reason for traveling the next time i need to travel... or leave the house... what it would feel like to have those papers checked... I can’t help but think that at the very least this episode will have a grave impact on our future, on the economy, on medicine, on law enforcement and governing, on supply chains and public art and entertainment. I think it will be some time before we can even begin to measure the ramifications economically, culturally, politically.

But I didn’t come here to talk about all of that worry, or those big ideas.
I came here to talk about our day to day. To share how we’re getting through each day. How we’re keeping in touch with loved ones and how we’re keeping sane as a family and what these days are looking like for us.

Late in the week last week we hit the stores for some “in case we get quarantined” supplies. I laughed at the empty toilet paper aisles and the folks stockpiling chef-boy-are-dee. But my laughter was tinged with doubts and questions. We’ve been back to the store a couple more times for toothpaste and other odds and ends.! Yesterday we let the kids know that school was shutting down and they took it hard - all processing in their different ways... Lil’chaos with some lashing out, frustration and disappointment, Zilla with raw emotion and worry, and Zuzu in her quiet and questioning way... We let them know that we are working on a plan to create some routine and structure in this time and that the plan will be in place to help us all remain safe and sane. We spent the rest of the day sorting Girl Scout cookies and flopping around the house - with a few trips out to get air and exercise. Today was a little more intentional. Today we walked along the river and hit the library before they shut down indefinitely. We are fully stocked for books if we go on lockdown!

Much as I am loath to admit it the end of a year usually gives me the blues. It’s true, I am prone to pensive thoughts anyhow, but the end of a year tends to put a point on the ways I have, yet again, let myself down. I hate to say it, but I am one of those who falls prey to that damaged kind of thinking that believes somehow this arbitrarily numbered day counting system will provide me with an opportunity to turn over a new leaf and i never do. At times, in the hopes of counteracting the end of year disappointment, my resolutions have been vague and hopeful; more writing, less swearing… more fitness, less anxiety, make more pies… At other times I have created very detailed lists following the tenets of SMART Goals or some other self help organization motivational concept... none of these strategies has been real effective. It’s been a long time since i have written as much as i would like to or been as fit as i would like to be. Like, since... never...

I think it’s s very interesting/sad/telling to go back and look through blog posts, and diaries before that, and time and time again i vow at the new year or at my birthday to write more and eat less junk and get more exercise.

It’s possible that this end of year malaise is tied to the fact that usually around the holidays I am pretty listless. Relaxed and enjoying the voracious trappings of the holiday celebrations. Indolence tends to make me grumpy… in general, but in particular in myself. Not out of some work ethic, some interest in keeping busy and accomplishing much, but because sitting around makes me stiff and headachey. I just physically feel better when i am moving around and working up a bit of a sweat. You would think that it would not be so hard to prioritize that in my life.

But...

I am not good at the discipline.

I am not good at committing myself to activities.

Here’s the thing though, it is becoming increasingly clear that exercise and writing are going to be a necessity in my mid-life, for my physical and mental health. And friends, I am not much for accountability in this regard - but i am thinking i commit to blogging weekly about, at the very least my diet and exercise, - but probably some other things will work their way in - parenting, music… etc…

But i think I am going to have to be raw and uncut and basic to do this… in the past i have made an effort to be pretty positive in my blogging because, well, there’s enough negativity out there in the interwebs… and i have tried to be somewhat polished as well… to keep the writing clean and clear…

But, if i am to commit to this in the way that i want to… there are going to be days/weeks where i just throw up some garbage..  here’s the goal - blog weekly at minimum.

Exercise at least 7 minutes a day and 40 minutes at least a couple times a week.

With the goal of - feeling good in my body mind and spirit.

Because right now my knees hurt, my shirts are too tight, my pants fall own and my feet scream... not to mention the indigestion and the moodiness... all of which i am certain can be treated by some time writing and some time exerting myself physically...

Today i walked for 20 minutes and did a 7 minute cardio workout and i am beat… i could barely get through the seven minutes… this is often why i give up on exercise. I don’t feel like i am where i should be, I want to be better, stronger, fitter than i am and i get impatient and frustrated with the challenge. I don’t want to feel incapable or underprepared. I don’t want to feel weak. Pride is a huge factor folks… and it sucks.

Imagination and faith...

I’m not going to write about

Worries

About all the worries

That have been building nests for

In my hair

I’m not going to write about ‘Zilla

And her

Self-doubt

Her hypercritical

Inner-monologue

I’m not going to write about

Li’l Chaos

And all that impends

With puberty

And heartbreak

And all that

I’m not going to write about

Zuzu

Well

To be honest

I don’t worry about her much…

And I guess that worries me…

I’m not gonna write about Jen

And her stress

And her medicine

Or money

Or the house

The tub

The garage…

All that…

I’ll save…

Who wants to worry about that…

I’m gonna write about magic…

I just turned 45…

And i need to cling to it

It feels like its getting harder to

somedays.

The thing about magic is

That it provides access

To two things

That are fundamental

To any kind of happiness

Or any kind of life

To two things that make life worth living

Or bearable

Imagination

And Faith

And Faith…

That is a hard one

For a lot of people….

A lot of people don’t like faith

They think it’s folly

It’s for suckers.

But here’s what faith is to me

And how magic informs faith…

Faith is the belief in possibility

And to me it is believing there are things you can’t fathom

And will never understand or explain

And magic helps to shine a light on the beauty of that.

Pretending does too…

they are their own holy trinity
Imagination the father, faith the son, magic the holy ghost…

It’s good.

Archie Bunker said - “Faith means believing something no one in his right mind would believe.”

And I think the truth of that has changed the world for good over and over again…

sunday nights, monday mornings, and cake pop dreams

Last night felt like one of those Sunday nights from my childhood…

When home and family is so good and warm and comfortable...

That Monday feels like a cataclysm… just for taking that away.

The strange thing is

This weekend wasn’t particularly fun

in terms of dad type activities.

There was probably even more than the average amount of friction and frustration...

It was very much about running my children around

Girl. Scout. Cookies.

And getting semi - caught up on household stuff.

But it was full

And it was together

And the friction, while intense, was…

Navigable.

It felt like one of those Sunday nights from my childhood

Where back to school

Back to the slog

Was also back to apart

And back to the unknown

leaving the comfort of home and hearth

There’s a lot coming this week…

And the last few weeks have been pretty full.

I don’t see it slowing down…

Does anyone, ever?

Today we open up the ceiling to investigate the water damage in our entryway.

And Jens tenure file is submitted.

And the cookies need to get distributed

On top of all the usual madness.

This morning I woke up at 5am

Dreaming of cake pops.

I hate cake pops.

It was weird.

The first thing I remember in the dream is

That I was in a shop

Paying for cake pops

And the cashier noticed that my box of cake pops was torn open.

I paid anyway

But on further investigation I noticed that some of my cake pops were missing.

They seemed to be be individually wrapped.

So I went back to the cupboard/shelf where they were stocked and

There I discovered my missing pops…

So I added them to my box.

Another patron observed me adding cake pops to my box,

Which made me, of course, self conscious…

I think that act of awareness brought sentience in to the dream
and I thought… “This is weird… to dream about cake pops… I hate cake pops…

And it’s weirdly specific…”

The cake pops were pink and red and white with sprinkles also in those colors…

And the specificity of that seemed significant.

Or at least significant enough to take me out of the dream

And wake me up.

The mind is a strange thing.

Then I lay there

In bed

Thinking about my Monday

Playing that old game of whether or not to get up and start the day early...

In combat with the monkey mind.

Trying to make the most of this moment of stillness.

Laying there weighing the joys and benefits of the comfort of my bed…

And being beside Jen…

Her breathing and her warmth...
Against the list of concerns the monkey mind keeps running through;

The work - emails, prepping for meetings, the task list

The kitchen - the dishes, the lunches, the meal planning, the cleaning

The writing - getting the thoughts down

School board duties

Church committee duties

Girl Scout Cookies

Politics and our government…

Children activities

Tenure

Travel

On and on...

I take comfort I guess...

In the fact that I have received the gift of that moment to reflect.

And in the fact that....

While my weekend wasn’t a magical journey
filled exclusively with joy and fun and games…

It was full.

Full of togetherness...

Enough so that I am sad to say goodbye to my family and send them off this morning.

I’ll be happy for the quiet though.