i can not get the song perfect way out of my head
you know the one
by Scritti Politti
also
i keep having freakishly realistic
vivd, lucid,
cogent dreams in the morning
as i am waking up.
they feel like hypnogogic visitations.
and i can't shake the feeling that it is
"the other side"
communicating with me
sending me some message
that there is a force there
an entity
in that reality
or in my mind
or on that plane of existence
trying to connect with me
to tell me something.
i wake up thinking about how
and why
and is it astral projection?
yesterday i woke up and instantly googled astral projection and started reading about soul connections
and entities reaching out to each other.
and it all seems a little...
goofy...
but it doesn't feel goofy.
and it feels like
the message is
just be yourself,
just let it all out,
keep going,
you're on the right path,
but you don't need to try so hard,
and you don't need to be anything other than what you are.
and its strange that
i feel i need to hear that message so badly
at nearly fifty years old.
because
i feel like i have been trying to be me
so hard
my whole life.
and it's not easy
and most of the time i feel like i am fucking things up
like i am not good enough
like i should be doing something
different
to be better.
Now as a father
I see my kids
falling into this same
pattern
is it a trap...
this habit
of making lists
of ways to improve
just living?
ways to be better
at life?
and i realize the messages
we get all around us
from TV and Media
and mass marketing
and school
and everywhere...
the message,
the habit forming doctrine...
the tweets and posts, and youtube videos are all sharing the message
one way or another
to "be better"
at being you
improve yourself
smell better
look better
feel better
they all contribute to this inadequacy brainwave.
even the messages
telling you you're enough
seem to have a tone of
hey, let it go...
stop worrying,
be better at not worrying.
i don't want my kids to have this habit
but i wonder if it is inescapable
and i wonder if its in our hearts
in our minds
built in human nature
or if its a cultural predilection
does everyone feel this way?
I have often gotten the compliment
"you're so comfortable in your own skin"
"you're good at just being yourself"
"you seem to be at ease with yourself"
and it's always felt strange
because i appreciate the compliment
and i understand it.
I do tend to put it all out there
and let the pieces fall.
but i don't feel at ease
very often.
and it seems like have always felt like
who i am in my own skin
is in dire need of improvements
and that just being myself,
in one way or another, seems to be a failing proposition
a lot of the time...
just being myself means
balls will be dropped.
but i guess
those morning messages
are telling me...
well...
they are telling me to write it all down!
they are telling me to keep trying
i guess they want me to laugh
and find gratitude.
the morning voices
want me to understand
maybe...
that striving to improve
is part of who i am
and doesn't mean
that i am not good enough...
and that wanting to be better
does not have to be tied to
feelings of inadequacy
or disappointment...
that hope may not be
the antidote
to disillusion
but it is the perfect way
to keep
trying
to
fully
be me.
