Tonight...

Tonight
The basement has that sweet disquieting scent of rotting fruit
Like maybe there’s an apple or an apple core in some bag somewhere down there...
Or a spilled juice... or broken cider bottle...

Tonight
I told my fourteen year old that for every hour that she spends listening to Tyga or Curtis Roach or Doja Cat or whoever that she had to spend ten minutes listening to Wu Tang or Tribe, or Common...
She was like okay...
And I realized I sounded like my old man talking about Creedence and the Eagles...
And I realized some of the Wu Tang raps might not be great for my fourteen year old daughter because of how they talk about women...


Tonight
The middlest, the most avid reader, got shocked by her bedside light and it blew...
And the bulbs are good - but two lights in her room straight up just don’t work.
I took it apart once before and re-wired it to the best of my ability
So I’m praying we don’t have an electrical issue cause how you gonna deal with an electrician during a pandemic

Tonight
dinner came out of the freezer
And it was good enough

Tonight
We walked around the block
And took the long way

Tonight
The tiny cut on my thumb
From where I sliced it
Sharpening my pocket knife yesterday
Stings like crazy

Tonight
I am trying to keep the fanatics out of my mind
I am trying to keep the fundamentalists extremists out of my mind
I am trying to keep the imbecile at the helm
And his incompetent, ill-equipped team...
Out of my mind.
I am trying not to think about testing
And contact tracing
And what those things mean for our future
And our democracy
And our civil liberties.
I am trying not to think about the after
And if there will be one...
Because at this point i am pretty sure there’s not a back to normal...
But I’m sure there will be the next phase
And i am hoping that it means
Leaning into love
For more of us
And not leaning into the abyss...

Tonight
I am listening to the new Fiona Apple album.

If you please, anyone...

Welll...
So much for my commitment to daily writing.
Even the seeming end of the world can’t shake me from my slackery lack of discipline.
What have i been doing?
Got back on the treadmill
The body has changed a lot in the 5 years since i was running regularly...
But the treadmill feels good
The miles
The goals
The accomplishment

I have been making playlists
A dream themed playlist
An end of the world virus plague themed playlist
And a playlist of about 200 songs for my brothers 52nd birthday...
I may try to trim that one down to 52 songs
Or maybe not

I have been at work
Grateful for my job
Grateful to be in a position that can continue through this crises
Grateful to be working at a place that is making positive contributions to the efforts
Grateful to have a job i can feel proud of and to be part of a team i care about.

I have been with my family
Working to be present in each moment with them
To be there - looking them in the eye
And to acknowledge their struggles and successes in this time.
But that has been hard.
There have been times that i have realized i am closing myself off
I am used to a lot more time alone in this house
And so
I go away in my mind
Or my office for a time
To try and find that space...
And i am trying to be aware of that
And allow for it for the other members of the family too...

But also not to break off
Too much
Because
I need them
And they need me
And we need to be together.

I know it may sound trite or obvious
But i am so glad
That i like all of my family
As people
That i enjoy being around them
I think we are lucky
That we can make each other laugh
And think
And grow

I am being reminded
A lot
How much i have to learn
From my children
In these times


I think something that has been interesting about this time is how our mornings have changed.
Our family has adjusted our morning routine to fit more in line with our circadian rhythm than regular school day allows for. We spend the mornings lingering over our coffee, playing cards, or on electronics and begin our work/school days sometime between 8:30 and 9 (sometimes i am at work much earlier than that - but try to find time to be present in that 7:30-8:30 time frame). There is no rush for showers and lunches and struggle to get out the door by 7:45, and this is a significant change to my whole mental state waking up on the morning. I have to say that the removal of that particular pressure has been a tremendous relief in this otherwise stress filled time. I am not sure if there will be any way to maintain it if/when we get back to our regular school/workdays. But it is definitely something to take away and think about. How to maintain that sense of relaxed in the mornings. How to remove that intense out the door pressure we used to feel on school days. Obviously, some of it has come from the fact that as a group, it is rare that we are all sleeping well through the night, one or the other or multiples of us is up and down for dreams, headlines, worries or what have you... so that has induced a certain level of sleeping-in-ness... but its not just sleeping in... even on the mornings that i sleep well and wake up early... being released from that feeling of morning pressure seems to have made a huge difference in my general mental state when i first come in to consciousness in the morning. I want to maintain that. Hold on to it somehow.

Catching up

Well true to form
I have gotten behind
Missed some days
A few days i totally forgot.
A few days i just decided not to write
There are days where it feels like another thing
And i just push it away
Even though i know it will help me feel better
I do the same thing with yoga and exercise
It’s dumb.

But things have been moving along
like quicksand
Last weekend seems so far from today
The weeks all feel long
Right now
Time.
I am listening to Weyes Blood
I am watching Lodge 49 and High Maintenance still
I have gotten Jen to watch one episode of Community
I will keep working on her...
And we watched one episode of Breeders as well.

We are playing a lot of cards
We are going for walks
Around the block
And sometimes in the woods
We do some projects
I am still trying to find ways to
Help Jen daily with the kids
I am afraid I do the typical middle aged white man thing
And “let her take charge...”
She is a professional educator after all
But I can tell that this is all stretching her thin
And their default
When i am working
And she is home
Is to go to her
We are working on that
To try and even it out
Split things up
Retrain all of our habits

The week started with Zuzu coming in at dawn to tell us how beautiful the sunrise was and asking to borrow my phone so she could take pictures...
I was inspired and we made a plan with Lil’ Chaos to get up early one day this week to go watch the sunrise... we did on Thursday morning... it was mixed... it was beautiful and bracing and crisp in the morning air... and it broke up the week and felt like an adventure... but then there was some bickering and picking and then there was me stressing about time and trying to hurry folks along... and so we got crabby... but then... apologies... and we granted each other a second chance... and it was okay...

I mostly feel a strange combination of moody and numb
And lost in time
Out of time
But I am finding my gratitude
Looking for the silver linings of this time
In some ways grateful for how this has slowed us
And refocused us...
But still on edge
And exhausted by that part of it
And sleepless exhaustion...